“Hello? Random person? I have a question for my novel…yes, I can hold?”

This covers everything!

From the wonderful people over at Not Always Right,

Me: “Thank you for calling [Gas Station]. How may I help you?”
Customer: “Do you shoot guns?”
Me: “Uh… what?”
Customer: “Well, I know your gas station hires some athletic young men and I was wondering if you knew anything about guns?”
Me: “Actually, I do know a decent amount about guns and shooting.”
Customer: “If you threw a gun in the air and shot it with another gun, would it explode?”
Me: “Wait, what? Why?”
Customer: “Oh, well in the book I’m writing the sheriff is fighting the robber on the balcony of the theatre, and the robber’s gun flies into the air and the sheriff shoots it. Would it explode or hurt anyone?”
Me: “Well, it probably wouldn’t explode, but it would probably discharge either when struck by the bullet or when it hits the ground.”
Customer: “Would it hit someone?”
Me: “You’re the author, ma’am.”
Customer:  “Oh, thank you very much!  I’ll send you a copy when it’s published!”

 What has this piece of idiocy taught me? If I have a question for my novel, I just have to call somebody to get an answer!

Now it all makes sense! Yesterday when I was researching tectonic plates, I should’ve just called any of my friends living in Japan because they get a lot of earthquakes!  When researching the effects of crack cocaine I should’ve called the cops because they see that shit all the time! And most of all, when researching the average male penis size yesterday I should’ve called the local Mason Lodge because there’s a lot of dick there!

I can just imagine the conversation!

Him: Hello?
Me: Hi!
Him: Can I help you?

Me: What’s the average male penis size?

Him:Excuse me?

Me: Oh, well, I know you’re all male members there, so I thought maybe y’all compare in the showers and could tell me! What’s your average?


Me: Well you see it’s for my novel, so…

Him: I..I don’t know Ma’am, however big you want it to be? You’re the author!

Me: Oh, okay! So eight inches then? Thanks so much I’ll send you a copy when it’s done!

Him: Ma’am I don’t think we’ll be much interested in a novel talking about penis size.

Me: *click*

Thankfully I have all those minutes saved up on my phone! This is going to be great, everything is possible now!
And then I go to jail. Sigh.